Back At It

The weeks of eating recklessly happen every two weeks now.

For two weeks of the month, I guzzle diet soda. I eat chicken sausage and don't second guess anything. Last week, I ate a ton of raw cookie dough.

I test my sugars every few hours.

And then, it stops.

I wonder if this is the month I've conceived, and my eating patterns try to fall into line.

I drink skim milk with my meals and cut out the caffeinated diet stuff altogether. I chill on the cold cuts. I eat more fruit and veggies.

I test my blood sugar an hour, two hours, three hours after a meal. And I try to get the one hour post number down.Down.DOWN.

Kind Endo told me last week that I shouldn't correct a high before three hours are up. But if there's something trying to thrive inside, I feel bad if my one hour post prandial shoots past 140.

And yet, I try not to stress about the rebound highs. Like the super high that happened this morning after I was 66 at 2am.

And there's a diet soda that's caffeine- and sugar-free that tastes so much better than flavored seltzer, but it has potassium benzoate in it, a preservative. So I try to limit it to one cup a day,

I'm sitting outside right now because a carpet cleaner is trying to eradicate the odor of Baby L vomiting on one of the rugs last week. And while the cleaner told me there's nothing harmful about what he's using to clean the rug, I immediately noticed my mouth tingling from the fumes and got up. What if there's some cluster of cells inside me? Hopefully these quick fumes won't rearrange anyone's cell structure (mine or a potential embryo's.)

(The carpet cleaner assures me he's healthy.)

Here goes another two-week wait.