Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Random Thoughts on Health and Money

Just coming out of a busy work period, my last deadline week before I leave to have the kid.

Even writing that makes me wonder if I'm jinxing myself. What if something happens to the baby and there is no baby? What if the kid comes early and I spend weeks in a NICU?

I started going through all my email at work and home yesterday to figure out who should get the announcement we'll send out when the kid will be born (knock wood, that all goes well). And I thought, I know a lot of people. Mr. L. knows a lot of people. We would have to tell a lot of people some terrible news if there's a problem with the baby.

Since last Friday's events, at first I was surprised by the comments I was getting, saying how calm I was during something I thought was an overreaction on some doctors' parts. But then I thought, "I'm no doctor. What do I know about infant heart rates? Am I too blase for my own good?"

As I explained to the Mister, I'm so used to hearing about health catastrophes and things not working right in my own body that I'm not so worried when I hear about something else. When I was first told I had an avocado-sized tumor growing in my abdomen, my first reaction was, "Oh, I'm sure you're just feeling scar tissue from years of taking shots in my stomach." My current Kind Endo, who first felt something odd during my first visit with her a few years ago, told me later she was scared by what she felt, and was amazed that I seemed to take the news in stride. But here I am, years later, wondering how I'll deal with a problem if there's a problem with Baby L.

Baby L. has continued to kick me on a regular basis, and kicky=active=good in the minds of my docs and the techs who give me ultrasounds weekly. But does active mean the kid will have ADHD? Could the kid become autistic? If I feed the kid a bit of formula because I hear breastfeeding is tough, despite my intention to breastfeed the kid as much as I can because it's supposed to be healthier, will that doom the kid to developing type 1 or type 2 down the road?

And again, will the kid be as large as the last reading said it would be, and will that be OK?

Besides the general fear about the kid's happiness and health, I look around and think, I'm supposed to get all this done before April 9? Still reorganizing after the painters left last week, still trying to figure out what bedding to buy for the crib, what to do about cord blood banking (important for the kid's future health needs, or an untested, unproven, expensive waste of time?), and wondering if the current insomnia I have (only got up at 5am today, so things are getting a bit better) will be welcome in a few weeks when I'm up hearing someone scream and cry and moan (and no, not Mister L, though it very easily could be) and I can't figure out how to calm the yeller down.

And unrelated, yesterday I talked to a coworker about a new project she's launching at work. She wanted feedback on how the people in my department would play into her project, and I instinctively thought, "Oh, I could totally do that work freelance from home." I told her as such, but knew to say, "Listen, let me get back in touch with you after my maternity leave is up and maybe we can work something out." She just came back to work after a year off having twins, and has had some good insight about being a new mom and not going back to work and the financial element of that, and dealing with putting your kids in day care and returning to work for both personal and financial reasons. But as always, my instinct was to get excited about a new work project and think about how I might make extra cash doing it. And yet, I know the deadline hours and long commute make me think I'd be crazy to try to return to work full time, but being there full time makes me privy to new assignments and inside scoop. I always wonder about how my new role as a mom is going to interact with my longtime role as an employee and freelancer always looking for new work and income streams.


Samantha said...

I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything will be work our for you and your baby. I have often wondered how I would handle the transition to motherhood. I love my job and working; will I still feel the same after having children? Sometimes I even feel guilty that right now I feel like I would like to work if I have children. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the matter.

SaraS-P said...

wow, you've got a big transition coming up (because the baby WILL be born healthy, I command it)!

serenity said...

Nothing is ever certain, definitely - that's the one thing that I've learned from our infertility. I can't assure you that your child will be healthy - but thus far everything seems to have gone well during your pregnancy, you've kept your sugars under control, and Baby L seems to be doing just fine overall. So far there isn't any evidence to suggest that you won't bring a healthy baby home in a few weeks. (Knocking on wood, of course).

The transition from working to mommyhood - well, that's a harder one. I think you'll do just fine, though - you'll figure out what works for both you and the baby. Maybe it does mean freelance work, instead of being full time. You never know.

You're almost there, hon - hang in there!

Chrissie in Belgium said...

Just be happy Lyrehca! I never really did understand people who worried about jinxes, just enjoy and have fun planning! Ellen's "Carl" hasn't arrived yet either. The date is t18/3, but you NEVER know. It could be today or in two weeks time.

Ottoette said...

This post is like reading my mind in someone else's words. I am SO totally with you on all the worries about baby. When asked my due date, I almost always say "June 23rd, God Willing".
The work/mommy thing is very complex and I honestly think there is no right answer for everyone. It is highly individual and any choice is fraught with guilt and second-guessing. I think that's why the "mommy wars" are so fierce. You will work through it just fine. The first few months it is ALL about baby, then you will see. You will work out the best way for your family, I know it.

julia said...

Well, you will worry. You can't help it. I constantly worry and borrow trouble and all that crap. It sucks, but it's what I do. And you don't take it in stride when it's your own child - at least, I don't. I worry a lot. People say motherhood changes you and they really aren't kidding.

As for the going back to work thing, well, that's up to you. You'll have to figure out what's right for you and for the baby. And whatever you decide, it will be the right decision. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

And for what it's worth, A, my eldest, was only formula-fed. O, the next one, was breastfed for 14 months. Guess who got diabetes?

Wendy Morgan said...

When you worry about things it is like living through the experience over and over again with no results. You are going to be wonderfully, beautifully fine. Things won't go as you plan in your head, but they will work out fine!

Thanks for your comment on my blog. The Personal Renewal Groups for Mothers I'm leading will begin in late April or early May utilizing a wonderful book called The Mothers Guide to Self-Renewal ( The book has nothing to do with diabetes, but is a resource for mothers to learn how to make self-care a priority; how to reconnect with who you are and find balance from the inside out. Utilizing my experiences living with diabetes and having a child with diabetes I will lead Personal Renewal Groups just for moms living with type one. I hope to find a way to offer PRG’s online, so my many friends around the country can use the Guide together. You can e-mail me at DiabetesSelfCare (at) WendyLMorgan (dot) com, if you like.

Best wishes in your last few weeks and be gentle with yourself!

Laurie said...

I totally hear you on the issue of being blase. My friend called me out once as being the only person she knew who was "laissez-faire about internal organs" after she asked me what was new and it was fifteen minutes into the phone call before I mentioned I'd almost had my spleen removed that morning. This lack of reaction, it's an occupational hazard, I think.

As for the work-baby balance, I have no tips for you (not having kids) except that I think your inclination to step back and allow yourself to see how things go make sense. Projects will always come and go, so when you're up to them, you'll know...and when you're not, I have a feeling you'll really know that, too! :)

Glad to hear Baby L continues to do well!!!!

Bernard said...


I'm hoping and praying your baby will arrive safely and that both of you will be hearty and hale after the delivery.

I think the kind of worrying you're going through is very natural. When those kicks start they can be very vigorous. I'd take that as a positive sign.

So I hope it all happens on time and without stress. If it's April 8 (not the date you mentioned) that would be cool since it's my birthday and I like it!

Best wishes for the next several weeks. Check out my blog for a recent picture of two of our (not-so) little children.


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